


I Hate Bugs!

by PumpkinDoodles



Category: Ant-Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Blind Date, F/M, Jane Channels Natasha the Matchmaker, Mistaken Identity
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-31
Updated: 2019-02-17
Packaged: 2019-10-01 00:29:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17234033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PumpkinDoodles/pseuds/PumpkinDoodles
Summary: Darcy really wishes Jane would stop trying to set her up with the newest Avenger, that Ant-Man dude from California. Just the idea makes her all itchy.





	1. No, Babysitting The Adorable Spider-boy is A Whole Different Thing, Jane

**Author's Note:**

> I own nothing!

“I really think you should meet Ant-Man, though. I think you’d get along?” Jane said, looking up from her lab equipment at the new Avengers facility. “Now that his ex-wife’s new husband took that sheriff’s department job in Herkimer County, he’s going to move here permanently, too. You should snatch him up while he’s still single.” Thor and Jane had been trying to get her to go out with Ant-Man on a double-date for weeks now, ever since he and Hope van Dyne decided to be friends. Well, it had been Hope’s decision, Jane had said. But Ant-Man got on board when the Wasp got engaged to someone else. Hope had met some CEO in Paris during fashion week. Jane and Darcy had already met Hope through their friendship with Pepper; the two women were very alike and Darcy had trouble imagining Hope as being into ants, either. It was like imagining Pepper dating some guy with a lot of birds. Darcy felt sympathy for the Ant guy, of course, but she hated bugs.

“Janey, I love you, but you know how I feel about bugs,” Darcy said, involuntarily scratching her arms. Just the idea made Darcy itchy. She was not a bug girl. She didn’t even like outside! For sure, Ant-Man would like outdoor picnics. Ants loved those; she knew that from dating the super outdoorsy and slightly granola-ish Ian. Darcy was done with hiking, picnicking, or trudging on cold British beaches in December. She was getting an indoor boyfriend. Maybe one who cooked. If Nat didn’t have mystery-dibs on Bruce Banner, Darcy would have been chasing him: Bruce made great carbonara and was really chill and low-key when not in Hulk mode. And the Hulk liked her, too. He’d let her paint his toenails and been really sad when they ran out of the Grinch-themed holiday nail polish on his first foot and had to switch to plain silver glitter. That was the kind of man Darcy wanted now. Easy-going, indoor hobbies, sense of humor. She’d made a list when drunk once after she watched _Sliding Doors_ with Jane and lamented that she hadn’t met John Hannah in London instead of Ian.

“But you love babysitting the Adorable Spider-boy!” Jane insisted.

“Peter doesn’t play with actual spiders, okay? He just has webbing _and_ he lets me put glitter in it. I just pretend it’s Elmer’s glue,” Darcy said. “You guys have fun with your threesome.” Jane was clearly an Ant-Man enthusiast. Darcy got the impression that Ant-Man had fangirled over the famous Dr. Foster and Jane had decided that was the most charming a man could be, minus being Thor.

“It’s not like _that_ ,” Jane said stubbornly. “He is really attractive and helpful, though. He fixed my spectrometer when you’d fled the other day. He’s so clever and enthusiastic and he likes improving things.  I really think you’d get along, if you just met him _one time_.”

“Phhft. No way, José. I think his ants stole my Rollos while I was hiding in the coffee shop,” Darcy grumbled. “They’re thievery bugs.”

“He does have a bit of a criminal history, but it’s not him, I swear, you really have to watch that Antonetta,” Jane admitted.

“Antonetta?” Darcy said.

“He names his ants, just like you and the toaster, Darce,” Jane said.

“But he has a criminal history?”

“Just some really minor theft, nothing big,” Jane said. “I swear, Darce, I wouldn’t set you up--”

“Nope! I shall not date criminals, my mama said not to,” Darcy said. “I’m going to Mickey’s D for fries and a toy. I’ll see you tomorrow, Jane.”

“He has a master’s degree!” Jane yelled.

"Nope!"

***

 

On the way to McDonald’s--Darcy was collecting all the new Spiderman Happy Meal toys for Peter as a surprise--she remembered that she needed to stop at Walgreens to refill her allergy meds. That was another reason she didn’t want an outdoor boyfriend: hiking made her seasonal allergies worse. She was tired of being red-eyed and congested as she trudged along and Ian waxed rhapsodic about vistas or something? She’d had to sign for Sudafed so much, too, that it had started to make her paranoid that she’d be arrested and dragged off yelling, “I’m not making meth! My boyfriend just loves to picnic! I swear!”  

 

Darcy was walking down the aisle towards the pharmacy in the back when she spotted a shelf of Squishmallows. Her head practically swiveled. Squishmallows were Darcy’s newest kryptonite: marshmallow-soft, round plush toys in adorable animals. She already had Gary the Giraffe and Prince the Pug; she kept them in her bed. Who cared if they were ages 0 and up? Fun was forever. “Ooooh,” she said involuntarily. They had a Puff the Blue Penguin! She almost shoved aside the guy standing there, so she could grab the little round adorable thing.

“Can I ask you a question?” the guy said. Darcy--holding Puff in her arms--really looked at him for the first time. Dark wavy hair, a friendly face, and great forearms visible below his rolled-up shirtsleeves. He was cute AF. Whoops.

“Yes?” Darcy said, grinning. If Jane been there, she would have mouthed _wow._

“I’m trying to buy a surprise for my daughter. Cassie’s ten. If you were a ten year old girl, would you think these were silly?” he said. Did he actually have green eyes? Green eyes were as cute as Squishmallows.

“No, but I’m a thirty year old girl and I love them,” Darcy said, laughing. “I’m not sure I’m the right person to ask.”

“Good point,” he said, running a hand through his dark hair. When he smiled, he had the cutest laugh lines. “So, which one, which one?” He bit his bottom lip and looked serious.

“Unicorn or Penguin,” Darcy said decisively. He picked up the Unicorn, then looked at her smiling blue Penguin.

“But I like _your_ Penguin. Can I have him?” he asked.

“Nope. He’s all mine,” Darcy said. “We chose each other.”

“After you mowed me down in an aisle rage incident,” he joked. “I could press charges, probably.” Darcy laughed. Probably too loudly. She felt all warm and, erm, flushed.

“But you should always choose Unicorn, if Unicorn is an option,” Darcy said.

“If you say so,” he said, still smiling. “You’re the expert in, uh--”

“Squishmallows,” Darcy supplied.

“Squishmallows?”

“That’s what they’re called!” Darcy said.

“You didn’t just make that up?” he asked.

“I didn’t, I swear on my Gary the Giraffe,” she said.

“Uh-huh. Listen, I never pick up women after they’ve almost run me over in Walgreens to get a Squishmallow, but--” he began. Darcy looked at him hopefully.

“Scott!” a man’s voice called. They both looked behind Darcy. A friendly-looking guy was waving at the end of the aisle. “You got a call on the, uh, special phone!”

“Special phone?” Darcy said.

“It’s, uh, a work thing,” Scott, aka Cute Dad, said. “I’m on-call.”

“On-call, like a cop?” Darcy said.

“God, no. Never a cop.” He mock-shuddered adorably.

“He’s been arrested! He hates cops,” the other guy said cheerfully.

“Not, like majorly arrested,” Scott said, looking embarrassed.

“Anyhow, we got the call on the special phone from Mr. St--”

“Luis!”

“The man whose name I’m not supposed to mention said it’s an emergency, man,” the Luis guy said, nodding. “So, you gotta go.”

“Oh,” Darcy said. Just then, there was a loud beeping noise. Like a tiny fire alarm. Scott looked down at his fitness tracker watch and sighed.

“Yup, it’s an emergency. I really do have to go,” he said. “But I’m going to take your advice.” He smiled briefly, then took the Unicorn and headed towards the register. Darcy’s heart sank. She walked up towards the end of the aisle and got in line while Scott paid cash. He was probably a drug dealer. The other guy started talking to Darcy enthusiastically.

“I’m Luis, by the way. I like your blue dude--”

“He’s a penguin,” Darcy said, shaking his hand. He smiled beatifically. Sort of like the Buddha, if the Buddha had worn Nikes and turned up the brims of his baseball caps.

“That’s cool, that’s cool, my cousin wanted a penguin, like, for reals, but the zoo wouldn’t sell him one--” Luis began.

“Luis, we really need to leave, you know the van stalls out when I go above sixty and we have to get somewhere inconspicuous, because Ton--” Scott said, then stopped.

“Ooooh, you almost said The Name! He’s not supposed to,” Luis said.

“Uh-huh,” Darcy said. Scott sighed. His tracker was still beeping.

“Sorry,” he apologized to Darcy. “I wish I could stay.” He backed out of the Walgreens, towing a still-talking Luis.

“I still say people should be able to keep penguins, you know? It’s nice to meet you, Penguin Lady!” Luis called.

“Thanks!” she said, giving them a wave. Darcy watched from inside the store as the two of them got into a battered van and drove away. Luis waved at her. Another guy was driving. Scott had climbed into the back in a hurry. The van’s horn played a little song.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Puff the Penguin! https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07B2MXZPL/ref=psdc_16927404011_t2_B076HSJDDX


	2. Captain America Ice Cream Would Be A Bestseller, Right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I own nothing! Thanks for all your comments and kudos!

“Hey, where’s Itty Bitty? Why isn't she here?” Tony said, as Jane and Thor entered the facility’s movie theater. It was very swanky. Tony had done it up in red and gold. 

“She’s out running errands,” Jane said. Darcy had left to get something for Peter Parker, but Jane knew better than to mention him to an already-pouting Tony. They had trouble returning Peter to his aunt whenever he visited Tony on weekends.

“No movie? But I picked one she’ll love, I know it,” Tony insisted. "It's awesome."

“Tony, no one loves _Stark Courage: the Iron Man Story,”_ Steve said.

“Didn’t it go straight-to-video or whatever?” Dave said. Steve nodded.

“It was big hit in Kiev,” Kurt said. “David Hasselhoff is big star in Ukraine.”

“You got the _Baywatch_ dude playing you? Man, that is awesome. I love _Baywatch._ Have you ever seen the one where the drug dealers--” Luis began.

“Where’s Scott?” Sam asked, over Luis’s monologue on the relative merits of Pam Anderson vs. Yasmine Bleeth.

“He’s bailed on us, too, the traitor,” Tony groused.

“I believe he has Cassie tonight,” Natasha said, rolling her eyes. “An actual child he is legally responsible for, not just you.”

“That’s mean, you’re mean,” Tony said, as Steve hid his laughter. "Why didn't he bring her? She'd love my movie. I defeat two villains in this one."

"Technically, the Hoff does," Sam said. "Are you hassling the Hoff?"

  
***

 

Darcy was going into McDonald’s trying to snag one of Peter’s Spidey toys when she ran headlong into a familiar face. “Scott!” she said, delighted. He was standing there, looking all adorable. With a cute little girl in a pair of bee wings.

“Awesome Penguin lady!” he said. He looked at the little girl standing next him. “She picked out Crackers. This is my daughter, Cassie.”

“Hi, Darcy said.

“Hi,” Cassie said. “It’s nice to meet you, Awesome Penguin Lady.”

“Darcy,” she said reflexively. “You named him Crackers? That’s a great name.”

“Yeah!” Cassie said. “We both love goldfish crackers.”

“Darcy?” Scott said, looking confused.

“That’s my name,” she said. “I don’t just, like, name random Jane Austen characters out loud in conversation.”

“Wouldn’t it be cool if you did, though, like just yelled _Bingley_ at random points?” Scott said. He was blushing a little. Awesome Penguin Lady was crazy-attractive. He’d wanted to ask her out before that whole alien emergency.

“Dad,” Cassie said, sighing. “Try to be a little cool, okay?” Darcy laughed.

“So, uh, I’m very cool and we’re getting a Happy Meal. Would you, um, like to also get a Happy Meal?”

Cassie shook her head. “Dad! She’s a grown up, she probably eats a big hamburger now,” she said, frowning. “I can’t take him anywhere,” she told Darcy.

“Actually, I’m trying to collect all the Spiderman toys for my friend who is totally into Spiderman, so I still get Happy Meals,” Darcy said.

“I love Spiderman,” Cassie said seriously. “I’m going to marry him. Or Captain America. I haven’t decided yet.”

“Those are both excellent choices,” Darcy said, nodding solemnly.

“She’s not allowed to get married until she’s at least thirty-five,” Scott said.

 

They had a great time playing with their Happy Meal toys. Darcy snuck Cassie some of her french fries when Scott wasn’t looking. “Did you just thwart my efforts to get her to eat apples?” Scott said playfully, catching them.

“They’re the fruit of evil queens!” Darcy said defensively.

“Yeah, evil queens. You don’t want me to be an evil queen, do you?” Cassie asked. She giggled.

“Evil queens are just women who are non-traditionally assertive, gifted, and complex,” Scott said. “I’d much rather you learn witchcraft than sit around waiting for True Love’s Kiss like a boring person.”

“Or give up your voice for feet,” Darcy mused out loud.

“Exactly,” Scott said. “Keep your voice. Feet are good, though. Keep both.”

“You’re a much better dad than Ariel’s dad, though,” Cassie said. “He was a total buttmunch.” Scott dropped a french fry.

“Who taught you buttmunch?” Scott asked.

“Kurt. He said it was a new word,” Cassie said.

“In 1996!” Scott said. “My coworker Kurt is from Russia. He’s very….”

“Interesting,” Cassie said. “Mom says that’s the nice thing to say about all your friends.”

“Does he tell you weird Russian sayings about wolves?” Darcy asked. “There’s a weird one I heard in a movie about the winter that’s like ‘knock three times and try not to think of the word wolf,’ but my Russian friend said it was made up by Hollywood screenwriters who are children,” Darcy said.

“I’ll ask,” Cassie said seriously.

“I’m divorced, by the way. Very divorced!” Scott said suddenly.

“I have a stepdad,” Cassie explained.

“Just wanted to clear that up,” Scott said hurriedly.

“Uh-huh,” Darcy said. Scott was blushing. “I also have no spouse or boyfriend.” She grinned when he looked relieved.

“Excellent,” Scott said. “What are your feelings about ice cream?”

“Dad has serious opinions about ice cream,” Cassie said.

“I was once an ice cream professional,” Scott said seriously.

“Like at a factory?” Darcy asked.

“Uh, no, it was a customer service position,” he said nervously.

“You know, I’ve always wanted to be the person who came up with new flavors,” Darcy said.

“Me, too! They never took my ideas at Baskin-Robbins--” he said, shaking his head. “I still say that a Captain America ice cream would have been a great seller.”

“We know, Dad,” Cassie said.

“What flavors?” Darcy said.

“Red velvet, vanilla, and berry sorbet,” he said.

“I’d try that,” Darcy said. She looked at Cassie. “What are your feelings about playland? I like the skee-ball thingy, if they have one?” Darcy said. Cassie nodded.

“You’re volunteering for that?” Scott said, astounded.

“My dude, I had my last birthday party at Chuck-E-Cheese, this big wheel keeps on rolling,” Darcy joked.

 

They had a great time: Darcy and Cassie played Mc-Skee-ball, Cassie slid down the slide, and Scott demonstrated his moonwalk, which was excellent. Darcy hadn’t had this much fun at a fast-food place since she was twelve. Eventually, Cassie started to crash and Darcy called time on playland. Scott walked her over to her car in the parking lot, after he’d settled a sleepy Cassie in his car and locked the doors. “She had fun,” he told Darcy.

“I did, too,” Darcy said.

“Would you, uh, like to do it again sometime?” he said. “Maybe sample ice cream?”

“Yeah, I would,” Darcy said. “Totally.”

“That’s really, really great,” Scott said, beaming.

“So, would you like my number?” Darcy prompted.

“Yes! Yes, absolutely. Phone numbers are good,” Scott said. Darcy wrote down her number and handed it to him. They stared at each other, smiling. Scott blushed. Darcy grinned. “Well, uh--” Scott said.

 

“Just kiss her already! My bedtime is eight-thirty and I have homework!” Cassie yelled. She’d woken up and rolled down the car window. Darcy burst out laughing.

“Excuse me, you were supposed to have finished that already,” Scott called back.

“I lied!” Cassie said.

“Very bad, young lady!” Scott said. “No Scooby Doo for you in the morning!”

“Awwww, no,” Darcy said. “Scooby and Shaggy got me through the day in elementary school.”

“Me, too!” Cassie said, smiling brightly.

“Are you encouraging her?” Scott said, sounding baffled yet smitten.

“No, that’s a true story. I used to get up an hour earlier to watch Scooby Doo on TBS and have cereal. I don’t know where I got that awesome willpower, though. I’m late all the time now,” Darcy said.

“Yeah,” Scott said. He was looking at Darcy's face with a dreamy expression.

“Kiss her, goober!” Cassie called again. Scott blushed, but Darcy leaned up and pressed her lips to his, leaning her hands against his shoulders. It was a sweet kiss. Scott relaxed under Darcy’s touch, pressing his mouth against hers more firmly.

Cassie clapped. “Yay, Dad!”

 


	3. Be A Fruit Loop in A World of Cheerios

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I own nothing! I just felt like adding another little scene to this after watching Ant Man 2. Thanks for all your comments and kudos!

Darcy was barely through the door at home when her phone rang. “Al’s Morgue! You stab ‘em, we slab ‘em!” she answered, assuming it was Jane and trying to juggle her purse, additional Happy Meal toys for Peter, and a cup of coffee. She’d gotten the coffee so she could drive around, thinking about Scott. And thinking about kissing Scott.

“You work at the morgue, huh?” Scott said. Darcy gaped at the phone. He’d only waited an hour and a half to call? She was stunned.

“Oh, yeah. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, I’m at Al’s, and the rest of the week, I work at Flo’s diner. Food service is kinda my secondary field,” Darcy said.

“I’m going to hope that’s a joke, because it is too disturbing to be real,” Scott said.

“Stop by and find out, I’m usually in the casket room,” Darcy said. “But watch out for stray….fluids, they’re a slip and fall hazard.”

“Oh man, oh man, I kissed you tonight. I kissed the mouth that just said those words,” Scott said. She could hear him rummaging around.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“Having cereal. I love cereal,” he said. “Cereal, drums, pillow forts.” Darcy smiled. Could he be more perfect?

“Just tell me you don’t love plain Mini Wheats,” she said.

“God, no, it’s like raking bark and twigs over the roof of your mouth, those are terrible. The Frosted ones are tolerable, but I’d much rather have Fruit Loops,” he said. “Or Corn Pops.”

“I _love_ Corn Pops,” Darcy said.

“You do?” he said, sounding surprised.

“I spent some time in London and they’re different in Europe and I missed them so much,” she said. “They call them Honey Pops and it’s just wrong,” Darcy said. “I’m kind of a cereal and Pop Tarts enthusiast. You’ve inspired me. I’m having a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch.” She retrieved a bowl, then her cereal box.

“Those are okay, but I hate the way they leave cinnamon residue in the bowl. The dishwasher won’t get it out, either.”

“You have to scrub the bowl,” Darcy admitted sadly, pouring milk into her bowl of cereal. “It takes me right out of my happy place sometimes.”

“And yet neither of us are stoners,” Scott said. “It’s sort of amazing, isn’t it?”

“I resent that being in touch with my inner child is associated with criminal behavior,” Darcy joked. “I’m just a fun person, not a habitual law breaker.”

“Hey, don’t insult the law breaking community. Criminals are fun people...sometimes,” Scott said so earnestly that she started to laugh.

“Can I tell you a teeny, tiny secret?” Darcy said.

“You’re a high-end jewel thief?” Scott said. “Dammit, I knew you were after my priceless emeralds!”

“No, I fall down too much to be a cat burglar, but I’d look great in the outfits--”

“You totally would,” Scott agreed.

“--but, I once made a fake ID for a semi-famous person who now dates my best friend,” Darcy said. “That’s all I can tell you. I did a DMV-adjacent crime.”

“Oooh, that’s bad. That’s really bad. If they catch you, your DMV mugshot is going to be terrible. And then they’ll make you identify road signs as part of your sentence,” Scott said.

“Don’t turn me in,” Darcy said.

“I think that can be arranged. Provided you, I dunno, see a movie with me?” Scott said.

“Can Cassie come too?” Darcy asked. “I want to see _The Lego Movie_ sequel and a small child is an excellent decoy for being side-eyed by other adults for my taste in movies. I can finally pretend I want to see whatever dreary, depressing thing is Oscar-nominated, but I can’t!” she said, laughing.

“How? How?” Scott said, his voice urgent, “how did you know my trick? Also, why are you so perfect?”

“No idea,” Darcy said, crunching on her Cinnamon Toast Crunch.  She shifted to adjust the phone and it slipped off her shoulder. “Ahh! Whoops. Are you still there?”

“Affirmative! Milk spillage?” Scott said.

“Worse,” Darcy said. “I almost lost my phone in the cereal.”

“You are too uncoordinated to be a cat burglar, aren’t you?” Scott said.

“I trip over invisible items, my friend,” Darcy said.

“Yeah, you definitely need supervision. Say, Monday at 6:15-ish?” he said. “In front of the AMG theater?”

“That would be excellent,” Darcy said, smiling into the phone.

“So, besides being charmingly beautiful and beautifully charming, what are your other interests?” Scott asked. “Other than cereal?”

“Ummm, I’m in a semi-committed relationships with coffee--”

“Dagnabbit, another man?” he said.

“Coffee doesn’t judge me for dating, though,” she said. “Coffee lets me see dessert, too. Also, I’m slightly addicted to those cozy mysteries set in cute places, like a cupcake shop or a yarn store? The ones where the protagonist is super-nosy for no discernible reason?”

“Right, right. Hallmark,” he said. “The cupcake lady sticks her nose where it doesn’t belong, solves the dastardly crime. I gotta say, I think this is just an extension of your Scooby Doo phase.”

“Oh my God, it is!” Darcy said, laughing. “What about you?”

“I am very good at close-up magic,” he said seriously.

“I know, I kissed you,” Darcy said. There was a pause and Scott made a sound before he spoke again.

“Oh, you’re good, you’re really good,” Scott said. “You’re totally going to charm your way into my pants, aren’t you? Is this phase one of some elaborate love and leave me scheme? Are you going to break my heart or break my heart and possibly steal all my money?”

“You’ll have to see the _Lego Movie_ to find out,” Darcy said.

“I can tell you’ve never had kids, you’re entirely too happy when you say the word Lego,” Scott said.


	4. Do They Still Make Lip Smackers?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I own nothing!

Darcy met Scott and Cassie at the movie theater. After she insisted on buying tickets, she put him in charge of getting them concession, so she could take Cassie to the bathroom. “We want the biggest bucket of popcorn because we’re having popcorn for dinner--”

“Giant popcorn!” Cassie said, nodding emphatically.

“--and as much candy as you can carry, okay?” Darcy told him.

“Don’t cheap out, Dad,” Cassie said, “Darcy paid for her own ticket!”

“Do you know why I did? Because I’m a strong independent woman who really wanted to see the _Lego Movie,_ ” Darcy said. Cassie made a thoughtful face.

“I think he should pay. You’re probably too good for him. You smell nice and he’s been to ja--” Cassie began.

“Cassie!” Scott said. “She means I’ve been to Germany. I dated a lot of German women who probably didn’t smell as nice as you. Like onions and uh, bratwurst?” he said, sounding almost desperate.

“Okay,” Darcy said, laughing.

“She’s in a weirdly pensive mood tonight,” Scott said.

“Just because I asked you about the number of atoms in the universe, that doesn’t make me pensive,” Cassie said.

“My friend can probably answer that one,” Darcy said, thinking of Jane. “I’ll text her.”

 

***

 

“I’m glad you’re here,” Cassie told Darcy, when she helped her reach a too-high paper towel dispenser and gave Cassie some lip balm. “Usually, Dad just waits outside and swears people are looking at him like he’s a bathroom creep. It’s nice to have another girl around. Mostly, it’s just Luis, Kurt, and Dave, they’re nice, but they never have lip balm or understand the importance of popcorn for dinner.”

“I met Luis! He was funny,” Darcy said.

“Please keep dating my dad,” Cassie said, sighing. “You’re, like, too good to be true.”

"Sure," Darcy said. She really liked Scott. And Cassie. Also, Ian's family had sort of looked down her as an uncouth, too-loud American, so being appreciated was really nice. She should probably buy Cassie some Burt's Bees or something? Did they still make Lip Smackers? She'd loved Lip Smackers at Cassie's age. The Dr. Pepper one had been her favorite.

 

“Oh, no,” Cassie said when they came out of the bathroom. “It’s Ag--Mr. Woo,” Cassie said. A friendly-looking Asian guy was talking to Scott. “He knows Dad from, um, somewhere,” Cassie said.

“The Trader Joe’s?” Darcy asked. She wasn’t kidding. Woo was wearing a Hawaiian shirt and khakis that looked sort of like a store uniform. Cassie burst out laughing. “Why is that so funny?” Darcy said.

“No--no--reason!” Cassie shrieked, giggling.

“Uh, hi,” Scott said, when he realized they were back. He was juggling the popcorn and several boxes of candy, so Darcy held her hands out.

“Oh, you’re dating now?” the Woo guy said. He smiled brightly at Darcy, shaking her hand. “I’m Jimmy,” he said.

“We know each other from work,” Scott said. “This is my friend Darcy.” He looked incredibly uncomfortable.

“Let me take some of these?” Darcy offered.

“I, uh, I got it. Why don’t you go in, get seats?” Scott said, clinging to his items.

“We washed our hands!” a still-giggling Cassie said. Darcy thought she had the church giggles.

“What’s wrong with you, little lady?” Woo said, kneeling down. “I’m great with kids,” he told Darcy.

“She thought you worked at--worked at--Trader Joe’s!” Cassie said, between giggles.

“Really?” Woo said.

“You don’t?” Darcy said.

“I’m a federal agent. With the FBI? Why doesn’t anyone believe me?” Woo said.

“Because you dress like _Magnum, PI?”_ Scott said, then looked like he wished he could take it back.

“Oh,” Woo said, looking sad.

“I didn’t mean that! Like, not in a mean way,” Scott said.

“I think your shirt’s cool,” Darcy said, feeling a smidge guilty, too. “It has good vibes. A Tom Selleck vibe.”

“Women, women love Tom Selleck,” Scott said, nodding assiduously.

“He was on _Friends,”_ Woo said. “Remember, he was Monica’s boyfriend, Richard? I was really rooting for them, but it didn’t work out. I don’t remember why?”

“She was in love with Chandler?” Scott offered.

“But did they really go together?” Woo said. The two men began to debate Monica’s boyfriends. Darcy leaned down and grinned at Cassie.

“Watch this,” she whispered. She straightened up and pasted on a big grin. “I really liked Rachel and Joey!” she announced brightly.

“Rachel and _Joey?”_ Woo said, looking baffled.

“I have found your flaw! You have a flaw,” Scott said, sounding astonished.

“Rachel and Joey were actual friends,” Darcy said. “Ross was never really her friend.”

“They were on a break!” Scott said.

“Even without that,” Darcy said, nodding at Cassie and ticking off points, “Ross objectified Rachel and was far more into her as a status symbol from high school, made fun of her career in fashion, was crazy jealous, hassled her at work, and had too many ex-wives. Ross is a terrible boyfriend. Always remember that,” she told Cassie.

“Okay,” Cassie said.

“I never thought about that,” Woo said.

“Me, neither,” Scott said. “Mind blown.” He ate a handful of popcorn. Darcy looked at the man in the Hawaiian shirt. He was clearly still thinking about _Friends._

“Mr. Woo, would you like to join us for the _Lego Movie?”_ Darcy said politely.

“You don’t mind?” he said, looking delighted.

 

***

 

That was how Darcy discovered that Scott had one been in a “tiny bit of legal trouble,” as he called it, once they sat down. “A tiny bit, huh?” she said. The lights were still on inside the theater.

“I can assure you that he is a--mostly--non-violent offender,” Woo said, eating Sno-Caps. “I just happened to be in New York, so I checked up on him. But he’s terrible at the drums.”

“Hey!” Scott said, “I’m really good at drums.”

“He’s pretty good,” Cassie said.

“Thank you, Peanut,” Scott said.

“I would warn you if I thought you were in any danger inside this theater,” Woo said seriously.

“Thank you, Magnum,” Darcy said, not looking at Scott or Cassie. Beside her, Scott was trying not to fall apart in response.

“I think you can date him without concern for your general safety, unless he tries any more shenanigans,” Woo told Darcy.

“Can’t I have just one shenanigan?” Scott said, leaning around Darcy.

“I think in Ireland, they call that a shillelagh,” Darcy joked. She’d picked up a few Irish words from Steve.

“I’m afraid you’re incorrect, that is a rare Irish weapon. A type of club,” Woo said.

“A type of club,” Scott repeated, winking at Darcy.

“Technically, it’s a cudgel,” Cassie said, looking up from her phone. “I googled.”

“What did we do before the internet?” Scott said.

“The FBI maintained a large library database,” Woo said. “You had to look up everything in the index, I’ve heard.”

“Just what kind of trouble were you in that the FBI got involved?” Darcy asked Scott.

“That’s uh--uh,” Scott stuttered. “Agent Woo?”

“It’s classified,” Woo said. “I’m sorry.”

 

“I’ll figure it out eventually,” Darcy said, as the previews started. “I always do.”

“I’ll help!” Cassie piped up.

“Cassie,” Scott scolded.

“I have a mole,” Darcy said, giggling.

“We call them confidential informants,” Woo said.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whenever I feel like being silly, I add a bit to this story, LOL.


End file.
